“Honey, I’m a hairdresser, not a miracle worker or plastic surgeon.”

Mike Cross worked as a hairdresser for seven years, certainly long enough to understand that even though you obviously need skill to work in the haircutting business, you also need to have the ability to grit (and lie through) your teeth, too.

1. Please be realistic with your expectations.

“I want to go from black to platinum blonde in one sitting”. Love, this isn’t going to work, unless you want your hair to channel The Invisible Man.

2. We need to do what’s best for your hair, not necessarily what is best for you.

“Oh, only take an inch off. I’ve not had it cut in 6 months”. This isn’t going to happen. You’ve got about 6 inches of dead ends and dryness, the Sahara would have more moisture than your hair right now. Regular cuts encourage hair growth.

3. If you dye your hair red, you’re gonna have a bad time trying to go blonde.

“I want to get the red out of my hair and go blonde, right now!”. Okay, the only way of getting the red dye out is to strip it out, or grow it out. The latter would be preferable as it’s the only way to guarantee that I’m not going to have to encounter the dire orange colour that it’ll probably turn.

4. A specific hairstyle won’t make you look exactly like a celebrity.

“I want to look Jennifer Aniston/Victoria Beckham/Rihanna”. Honey, I’m a hairdresser – not a miracle worker or plastic surgeon. I want to look like Jared Leto, but that isn’t gonna happen anytime soon.

5. For the love of God, keep your head still.

“Ok, so I need you to keep your head still as I’m doing a crucial part of the cut. If you move, the cut will be off.” *client moves their head, breakdown ensues*

6. Please come to the salon with your hair clean.

“I’ve just been to the gym, hope you don’t mind doing a quick dry cut!” No – not at all. I’ll just run my very expensive equipment through your sweat logged tresses, no problem whatsoever.

7. Don’t expect us to fix the mistakes made by box dye.

“I’ve boxed dyed my hair, but the colour isn’t great coverage. Can you correct it for me? Oh, and I don’t have a lot of money at the moment.” No problem! I’ll just spend the next however many hours creating an even coverage, and pray to the hair gods that the strand test doesn’t have a reaction, whilst trying to keep within your budget.

Follow Mike on Twitter – @MikeCross205